Video game technology may have come a long way since 2010 when the first Red Dead Redemption was released to the world, but one thing has always rung true: give gamers a digital sandbox and they’ll find a million and one ways to die. So, dust off your saddles and strap on your spurs because we’re going back to the Wild Wild West with this list of the stupidest, most ridiculous ways Red Dead Redemption 2 lets you eat the dirt.
Death by Vicious Wildlife
Deadly fauna is a common and natural sight in Red Dead Redemption 2. Anyone who finds their continued existence at all precious knows to avoid a grizzly bear or a mountain lion, and death by either of those notoriously scratchy creatures isn’t stupid by any stretch – ain’t no shame in being maimed by a 1,500-pound death machine. Something like this, however, …
…is a bit more embarrassing. This amazing clip contains the ideal amount of awkward, and we watch it all unfold in three beautiful acts: the rough tap to his backside, the futile fumbling through the mud, that glorious smack into half-a-foot of thick, sloppy mud. It was messy and clumsy and absolutely worthy of immortalization in GIF form.
In the wide expanse of the lonely tundra, a cowboy’s horse is his best friend. Your sole companion in the rough and tumble environment of the old west. There through thick and thin, for shootouts and daring chases, slow rides through the forest and the long cold nights. Not all horses are the same, though. Just because Bandit doesn’t mind you jumping on and off his back, doesn’t mean Princess or Houdini will be as accepting. It’s a lesson we all learn eventually: stereotyping can get you killed.
Death by Aggressive Ineptitude
In some cases, there really is nobody to blame but yourself. Even when given control of an experienced and highly-capable outlaw, some of us still find the dumbest ways to get ourselves killed. Here’s a pro-tip for all of you out there: don’t play around trains.
This sick bastard wanted to get a selfie shot at the precise moment a steam train runs over his victim, helplessly tied to the tracks. It’s the best kind of stupid death, the kind that comes with a healthy dose of comeuppance.
I can tell you right now exactly why this player decided to leap into an active, steaming geyser. Easter eggs. This pour soul recognized a large hole in the ground, saw it was marked by steam, and hence threw all logic out the window and dove headfirst to his doom. Any one of us would’ve done the same.
If there’s anything decades of video gaming has taught me, it’s to look before you leap. You’ve got to give the guy an A+ for confidence, though. He was sure the train still had a couple more cars to it.
Now here’s the type of guy this list was made to celebrate. His scientific mind has him eternally curious, with a full willingness to experiment – even when it’s his own life on the line. A drunk NPC challenged him to unload his shotgun into the crates of dynamite in the back of his cart, so the mad man did it. He even had the gall to act surprised when the thing he knew was going to happen happened. Rest in peace you sweet summer child. See you in Part Two.
Death by Inanimate Object
As we’ve seen, the wild world of Red Dead Redemption 2 is rife with all sorts of creatures, critters, and cretins out to put you in an early grave. From cutthroat bandits to snakes and goats, a wrong look can end with Arthur Morgan’s eternal rest beneath 2 feet of swamp sauce. To survive, you’ve always got to keep your wits about you, eyes wide open with your pistol hand ready.
When we say the world of Red Dead Redemption 2 is a murderous, unforgiving landscape, we’re not just talking about the feral animals and the vicious highwaymen. We’re talking about the nasty stuff, like perfectly immobile barrels. Almost inviting in their harmless inconspicuousness.
This rider is confident in his horse-riding skill. It isn’t the first time he’s had to dismount off a 6-foot horse onto a thin wooden beam. That’s the kind of inattention and negligence the carnivorous wooden barrel relies on in its hunt for thickheaded cowboys.
We can also confirm that a sycamore log to the noggin is a quick ticket to meet your maker. It’s not the simplest means of ending yourself – gotta position yourself just right – but gamers always find a way to make stupid easy.
If a tree falls in a forest, it does indeed make a resounding thunk upon contact with an abnormally thick skull.
In the American Old West, hopping on a steam train is the quickest way of getting where you need to go. Just make sure to keep your head down or something will knock it clean off your shoulders.
I suspect this isn’t the first time this player’s head has been this intimate with a steel beam. The passengers in the car don’t even flinch when he goes smashing through the train’s window.
Just Straight Up Bad Luck
Why do the good die young? Why do bad things happen to good people? Hey, we get it, sometimes life is unfair. You could literally take every possible precaution – rear-view mirrors on your horse, triple safety locks on your pistols, seatbelts for your saddle – and fate might still decide to knock you off a cliff by throwing a drunk pigeon between your eyes. It doesn’t mean you’re stupid, but the way you left sure was.
Life is a tenuous fragile thing. Especially life governed by video games physics engines. Sometimes you survive the full force of a steam locomotive, and sometimes you graze a wooden cart, and everything goes to black. Grab your PSN credits today, and embrace the life of a renegade cowboy, living life on the edge….of a staircase where you might slip and fall and…you get the idea.